In the last week, American Airlines, or "AA" as it is called by the hipsters, has canceled roughly 3,000 flights in the last week. The "official" reason for this is to check for faulty wiring. Taken at face value, this sounds weird. Wouldn't it be more cost-effective and more responsible to the consumer to gradually phase a few planes out at a time for these routine inspections, rather than doing them all at once like a drunkard? Of course it would. But the real reason behind these groundings is due to a menace the likes of which hasn't been seen since the days of World War II.
During the second World War, pilots would often experience technical difficulties while in flight. The boys in the ground crew chalked it up to such nonsense possibilities as "faulty wiring", "low fuel", or "someone jammed a dead hooker in the fuselage". Obviously, things like that could never occur. The real culprit behind these accidents was none other than a creature named "the gremlins". Gremlins would hide inside the plane, wait for the aircraft to become airborne, and start messing with stuff. Loosening bolts, drinking the fuel, writing off color jokes about Winston Churchill's mother, you name it. This would cause a malfunction, and the plane would go down, the pilot would eject, and the gremlin would go down with the craft and then steal the furnishings of the plane to make their nests.
Stalin, or "Uncle Joe" as FDR called him, saw the potential in the gremlin. He created a secret think tank to breed super gremlins - gremlins with super strength, super speed, and the ability to solve those really hard sudokus that no one except that asshole at work (who's always doing sudokus instead of working on the project which is due in three days and he hasn't contributed at all) can do.
After Stalin's death, the USSR's elite of the elite, consisting of Khrushchev, Huey Lewis, and Lucille Ball, decided to keep these super-gremlins as a last resort, to only be used after invasion, nukes, and ping pong fail. The gremlins were stored deep underground in Siberia, in a bunker with a TV/DVD player and the complete "Gilmore Girls" series to keep them preoccupied. The bunker was surrounded by bears and ghosts and stuff to make sure no one would unleash these creatures prematurely.
But after the fall of the Soviet Union, the control over who had the super-gremlins became strained. Levar Burton saw this, and took advantage of the situation. Using a big can of mace and the head of Martin Luther, Burton got passed the bear and ghost defenses and stole the super-gremlins.
The brave and stalwart men of American Airlines discovered this while attending a Star Trek convention, where Burton bragged about how he captured the gremlins, and how he thought that all airplanes were "filthy ungodly creations" and that the Wright Brothers are burning in Hell for "raping the sky".
The noble executives of American Airlines, who had gone to the Oracle in Los Angeles known as "Perez Hilton" and had known about Burton's sinister plan for years, were almost fully prepared to deal with the gremlin menace. They had been developing an anti-gremlin sound machine, which emits a sound similar to a "Limp Bizkit" song except Fred Durst sounds like more of a douche bag, which would kill any gremlins within a 400 km radius. In a last ditch effort, the execs had these experimental devices installed in hopes of preventing Levar Burton's nefarious scheme from coming to fruition.
So that is why American Airlines really grounded their planes, and why you should never trust Levar Burton.
